Where was I?
St. Bartholomew Consolidated School. 8th Grade Math. 13 Years old. Young, innocent, and afraid.
I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was on the 3rd floor in a room at the end of the hall. The desks were in a U shape, and I was sitting in the front top corner of the U. My teacher was diagonal from me standing by her desk. My teacher said to us "I need to tell you that something horrible has happened to our country. The staff has decided that we want your parents to tell you at home, so we will not be discussing what happened today. We want you to know that this is a day you will never forget as long as you live. Please understand that it will be very hard for us teachers to continue teaching today."
SERIOUSLY?????
Hard for you? Yes, but what about us? How about the innocent 13 year olds just being told something horrible happened to our country but no one would tell us? Of course we couldn't concentrate that day, and neither could the teachers so why not just let us watch the coverage?
My friend Alison was out for a doctor appointment that morning & came to school late. The office asked her if she knew, and told her not to say anything. I remember my teacher giving her those exact instructions & she never told. How could that 13 year old girl hold that in all day & not be able to discuss it with anyone?
I don't remember the rest of the day until...
At the end of the day, I was walking to the bus with a 7th grader (I don't remember who it was) but they told me that the World Trade Centers were hit by airplanes. I didn't even know what they were or where they were. Their teacher apparently told them at the end of the day.
My parents worked late so I got off the bus and went into a friends house. I walked right to the living room where the t.v. was showing footage. I was in shock. My brother was with me. We didn't talk for a long time. All I remember the rest of the night was watching coverage with my family. I also had a journal that I never wrote in. That day I wrote about what happened, how I felt, and where I was. I know I still have the journal, but it's packed in a box somewhere.
The next day at school all we did was talk about what happened. Thankfully they let it be a safe place for discussion and didn't have any content related lessons planned. Lessons in life were sure there. I remember one story from a classmate. He said his aunt worked at the trade centers & was running late for work. As she was about to leave, her phone rang and something inside told her to answer it. She did and was late for work. She survived.
*******
This was a very rough year for me. Not many people know that I suffer from anxiety that can be very strong at times. After years of trying to figure out where it came from, we finally discovered it was from the last 1/4 of the year 2001. My grandma had passed away from many different types of cancer at the end of August. These terrorist attacks happened just a few weeks later. Then, just a few short months later around Christmas we found out my dad had cancer.
Ever since then, I have been expecting the worse. I suffered, and still sometimes do from separation anxiety. Little kids normally have this for quite some time, but it usually doesn't go into the teenage years or adulthood. I was so afraid everything was being taken away from me. My grandma, my safety, and my dad. (My dad is now cancer free for 9 years!) I watch the people who lost loved ones and sometimes feel ashamed that I am having these reactions and I wasn't even there. What they went through was horrible. I cannot image losing a loved one that way.
My senior year of high school I visited ground zero in November 2005 only four short years later. I remember not being scared or worried. When I got there, I was overwhelmed with sadness, compassion, and love. Finally all the footage I saw on t.v. for the past four years was real. I saw it with my own eyes. Walked the same places the heros, survivors, and lost walked. It was an experience I will never forget.
*******
Every year watching the footage on the anniversary, I find myself a little angry at my school for taking away that piece of history for me. School is supposed to be a safe place to discuss and come together. Clearly they didn't think about the students who weren't able to be with their parents when they got off the bus like me. All of those students who had to find out alone & feared the worst was going to happen to them.
10 short years later I am teaching 8th grade math. As I looked into my students eyes on Friday, I thought what would I have done if I was the teacher and back on 9/11/01. I would talk about what was happening. I would have let them watch the footage. I would have let them talk or not, whatever they needed. I want my students to feel safe. School should be a place to learn, come together, and love. I would want that for my students during a horrible time.
*******
I find peace on something that came up on my daily verse app today that reminds us to not dwell on the tragedy, but to find peace that all those innocent people's Spirit is alive in Heaven.
I leave you with this verse.
"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
Romans 8:6
Remembering all those who were lost on September 11, 2001. <3
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